Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Season of Love...

I've been thinking about this post for a long time. I've written and rewritten it a million times in my head. And it's nowhere near where I want it to be. BUT this post inspired me to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, I guess).

Valentine's Day means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Day of love, Hallmark Holiday, Cheesey poems day, Single-awareness day, etc. But for me, Valentine's Day will always remind me of my sweet baby girl, Zoe. She was born on February 9th and we said goodbye on February 11th. On February 14th, my mother-in-law (who was staying with us at the time) was the only one to mark the holiday, by giving me a small white teddy bear and I think some chocolate. But the bear is what sticks in my memory. It was exactly the size of my precious baby girl, and Valentine's Day is VERY vivid in my mind, as I lay on my bed, broken and unable to stop the tears flowing from my eyes, I held onto that bear for dear life. For the past three days, my arms had felt so EMPTY. At night, when I would cry on Tyson shoulder as we lay side-by-side in bed, I would find myself repeating over and over, "I just want to hold my baby. I just want to hold my baby." That small bear, took away some of the ache, by giving me a little life-line. Something to tangibly take the place of the one whose loss I felt so keenly. That bear has never, ever been left behind through the last 4 years. It has gone with us on every overnight trip we have taken. Although (most of the time) it is no longer used to calm the ache in my heart. It is always there as a physical reminder that our family is not whole. We are missing one. And because of that, we are different. So very different. In so many ways (most of them good).
Especially during this season, I take stock and look at my life and how I show love to those that I love the most. Does Quinn know without a doubt that even though I am the voice of discipline, I would lay down my life for her? Does Mac understand that although I sometimes curse his name when he wakes up at 5:30 ready to play, I would not trade him for a million extra hours of sleep? And Tyson- Does he realize that under my thick sarcasm, I could not go ONE DAY without him? I hope so. And most of all, does Zoe understand that I am doing everything in my power to live the right way, so that someday our family will be complete? Does she understand that even when I have a terrible day, and yell a lot, I love her and I love our family enough to ask for forgiveness and make things right? I hope so.

During this Season of Love, I hope that all of you take stock of those relationships that mean the most to you. And make sure that those people know how much they mean to you, and not just on Valentine's Day-- EVERY day. Because that's why we're here. To learn how to love- as the Savior loves. I hope I'm making some progress.

PS- Mom Allen, thank you for my "Zoe bear." I don't think I've ever told you what that meant to me. Thank you.